Dear Sir,

Think of this as a rough draft. An audition, if you will. You can blame this on the insomnia….

In my kindest moments I see you as a child. I can do this with relative ease because I know a child like you. He even looks like you. Talks like you. You–as a child.

I see you as a child on a train. On top of a train? A very crowded train? During a long ago war.

I often wonder–how old was he when he abandoned his innocence?. Ok, I admit that I usually think “heart” and “soul” for innocence. Your heart and soul, Sir, what have you done with them?

Part of the answer I know. There are pictures in my head you have left there. Ugly pictures. They are clues. Clues to where you left them, but not why or when.

The why might be easier. No one told you it was wrong? Pride and lust are men’s natural preserve? Control is a big deal for you. Notice I don’t add a question mark for that last sentence. I know it is true.

I know because of the things you have done and said and been. I know because of your anger. I know because control is something. Something we think we can. Control is something we think we can buy. But no. In the end, the very end, and the broad wide avenue to the end–it buys us.

I don’t want it to buy you. Not that you have ever liked or seen or known me. No. I don’t want it to buy you because of…

The little boy.
Because I love the little boy.

In the whole time you and I have shared a history we have had one moment of pure truth together. I wonder if you remember it as clearly as I do. We looked at each other, which was already unusual (you do not see me…as a person)…and we said to each other, agreed with each other–

She could have lost an eye.

At the time it was so real, so painfully real, how close we all came to losing.

An eye.

Which reminds me of one more quote-

Matthew 5:27-29 (NIV)
“You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery.’ [28] But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. [29] If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Love,
E.

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